A key to happiness is realizing that it is not a destination but a process that involves effort. Any action that requires effort is distressing by nature. My mind often tells me that I would rather sit on the couch and watch Netflix rather than go outside and enjoy the day, exercise, play with my kids, etc. Yet, I always “feel better” when I engage in activities that bring me joy and a sense of mastery.  

Type in your google search, “How to be happy” and watch the barrage of articles (including this one) claiming to possess the key to happiness. You will see things like nature walk, exercise, diet, sleep, connection, vulnerability, forgiveness, gratitude, competency, autonomy, etc. These are all wonderful aspirations that require intention and effort. If I am not willing to engage in the aversive nature of effort, I will never be happy.

I spent the majority of my career trying to find the perfect intervention, the perfect way to help people (and myself), whether with addiction issues or mental health struggles. I have researched CBT, ACT, DBT, psychoanalysis, hypnosis, psychopharmacology, spirituality, earthing, holistic, faith-based approaches, etc. I believe the truth is that all of these (and many more) work just fine but don’t make a bit of difference if a person is not willing to do them. Maybe the point is instead of trying to find the best intervention, I must establish and nurture willingness to engage in the aversive effort required to seek them.

I have also experienced the flip side of that. Plagued by an internal sense of “not being good enough”, I overcompensated in a relentless effort to seek happiness in things that would, unbeknownst to me, never produce it. These things were usually in the form for immediately gratifying objects, which, once achieved, immediately fade and produce more wanting. The attempt to satisfy an internal sense of inadequacy with external objects was doomed to failure. Yet, my mind continues to defy and fight this reality.

I love the practice of Radical Acceptance, a skill that allows me to stop fighting. My default is often to get into a power struggle with reality (inside and out) when things don’t go according to my plan of how things should be. I seek to control things I do not have any control of, leading to increased anxiety, shame, depression, and resentment.

This simple practice affords me the ability to loosen my grip on things I can’t control and compassionately accept the reality in front of me, even when it is painful. Often, I find that true suffering doesn’t come from the things in life that are painful but from my intolerance of them. If I can change my relationship to reality (inside and out) through radical acceptance, I can find peace in any circumstance.

I heard a theory that most if not all of psychopathology comes from the suppression of emotion. I learn to label certain (painful) emotions as “bad”, therefore becoming a problem for my mind to solve. I exert a tremendous amount of futile mental energy trying to solve unsolvable emotions, leading to increased tension and anxiety. By accepting painful emotions and being curious about what they are trying to tell me, I can alleviate much suffering in my life.

So, a commitment to engage in aversive action consistent with what matters to me while loosening my grip on controlling the results seems to be a workable formula for contentment. This often feels like threading a needle and I find that my default reaction to life is often counter to this. I must accept that I am not perfect while accepting that I want to be.